I've just woken up from a dream, the first dream that I remember in a while. I'm not entirely sure why, but it would seem that the architecture of my subconscious is a labyrinthine maze of an Edo period castle. This time the halls and rooms where dimly lit by ornate lanterns, yet still sparsely decorated. Wonder what that might mean about me. The halls and rooms are spacious and beautiful. Black lacquered wood, white painted walls, and bleached paper screens. Some screen doors would open up to beautiful oriental gardens with small streams trickling through, willowy trees providing shade, and stone lanterns placed throughout.

She was there this time, more beautiful than the last time I saw Her. Apparently we have to dress the part in my subconscious because She was dressed in a rich kimono, black with read and green designs, accented by highlights in gold. We were walking through the halls and rooms, talking about things I no longer remember. I do remember the tone being cordial yet intimate. The kind of intimacy shared between old friends. I don't remember how, but I had managed to work our relationship into the conversation. She became flustered as She typically does when I do this. But the conversation continued and She answered what questions I proposed to Her. I don't remember what I asked, and most answers are lost to me now. But I do remember one thing she told me. I think I had asked her what had happened, what had changed that I no longer seemed to please her anymore. She told me a story about how She went to Europe, and there she met a man who courted Her for the entire time she stayed. She had fallen in love with this man, and now wanted only to be with him. It pained me to hear it, and felt just like when I first forced myself to accept I was never going to be with her. The dream ends with us both still friends, but with me hurting from this deep loss.

If I could give her anything, I wish I could giver Her the sense of a deep and fulfilling happiness. I want her to know the kind of happiness that makes every bad thing in the world meaningless, makes everything tolerable, makes any hardship worth while. The kind of happiness that feeds the pain of hunger, and heals sore limbs and bones. The kind of happiness that, no matter how awful your day was, the second you see their face, hear their voice, you've just had the best day of your life. I want her to know that kind of happiness, because then maybe she would know how I feel about her, know how important she is to me, and why it's so hard for me to let go.